the life i yearn

    

    Yet again, here we are.

    I am currently going through that phase once more, where even shopping for your favorite body wash doesn't spark any excitement when you use it. It's that time of the month when nothing seems to be worth living for. Even iced coffee can't magically soothe your misery and give you the boost you need to be happy and fulfilled. I know I’ve already written a lot of entries like this, but I can’t help but make another one—hoping this might help me to bring back the excitement every morning.

    This morning, I used the body scrub I bought. It usually makes me excited to think about using it, but today it felt like a chore. Typically, I don't mind spending a lot of time in the bathroom while indulging in self-care routines, but this particular one seemed exhausting. That day, I also bought an iced coffee. On the good days—which means, when I am enthusiastic to live, I know any type of coffee will excite me and my heart; today wasn’t it.

    I can't help but reflect back on it and long for those times, or for the days when I had the genuine will to live. I've come to the realization that perhaps acting as though I have my life together or pushing the life I desire while, on the inside, all I want to do is sleep and lay in bed is my harmful coping mechanism. But even if I do that, I already know how miserable I'll feel and how much worse. 

    To be quite honest, I'm not sure if this is how life is or if it's simply how things are for us, since it's still pandemic. However, I'm still feeling worn out. I miss feeling alive. I miss being able to feel everything. I miss letting the sun warm and touch my entire body and face around seven in the morning. I miss enjoying mundane things passionately. I miss having hope in my heart when I awaken. I miss experiencing life vividly. I do, really.

    I am desperate for this period to end so that it may begin again. I can’t wait for the simplest thing to touch my existence and soul. I just couldn’t wait. Even if I feel hopeless, I am hopeful that there are more exciting things that lie on the other side; a light and hope that awaits me after this period—that even breathing will make so much sense.

- abyss of abby